Katrin Bentley

This book came to me at the wrong point in my life. Two stars off for that!

Choice quotes:

"Gavin had a list of topics that were open for discussion. Everything else was to be left alone. Our arguments stayed unresolved because we never talked about them. They were forbidden territory. His best coping mechanism was ignorance.


"He was a fierce fighter who was never wrong. His one-track mind made it impossible for him to accept opinions that differed from his own. An argument was like a battle for him, a war about right and wrong. He always left the scene as a winner, anything else would have implied failure and that was something he couldn't tolerate.


"He blamed me for all of our problems and didn’t dream of apologizing. Saying sorry would have meant admitting fault and this was impossible. "


and

"Today I know that the lack of `theory of mind' made Gavin unaware of the feelings of others; he was only able to look at things from his own perspective. Instead of realizing that I needed help he only noticed a change in my personality and he didn't like that. He wanted me to be pleasant, gentle and happy all the time. "

and

"In a successful relationship both partners should be able to uplift, inspire and energize each other. In an Asperger marriage this energy exchange doesn't seem to take place.

"Usually the `neurotypical' hands out energy but receives none in return, and thus feels permanently exhausted. Due to the high stress and anxiety levels, the AS partner finds it difficult to sustain his energy and therefore has little left to share. Whatever exists he retains to satisfy any personal requirements.

"Not receiving energy from our partner is not the end of the world. On the contrary it forces us to look for alternate sources.

"By looking mysterious and distant we force others to guess what is bothering us. As long as they don't know what we are feeling and thinking we can gain energy at their expense.

"This behaviour often occurs unintentionally in an Asperger marriage as partners have no theory of mind regarding each other. While the neurotypical tries to figure out what's going on in the partner's mind, the AS person struggles just as much due to his problems with reading body language and facial expressions.

"For years I felt tired because Gavin was angry, sad, distant or critical. Most often he used anger to gain my energy while I used self-pity to get it back. The battle had started and was never ending.

"Our natural instinct wants us to retaliate and steal back the energy we have lost, but it doesn't work. Instead of receiving a refill we lose more.

"Have you tried to walk away and be aloof, only to see him more aloof and go to sleep without solving the problem?

"Last but not least, have you tried to criticize him? Well don't! If I criticize Gavin he gives me a list of things that annoy him about me, or he gets so angry that I lose whatever energy I have left.


"Being in an Asperger marriage gives us plenty of opportunities to use self-pity to deplete our partner. Trying to steal the AS partner's energy won't work. Instead it'll deplete us further. "

and

"Intimacy means being able to relate to each other emotionally. if we can do this we experience a feeling of well being and trust that in my opinion increases the enjoyment of sexuality. Without connection there is no intimacy. Without intimacy sexuality becomes simply an activity no different to golf or tennis.

"It feels very strange to be physically close to somebody who isn't really there. When Gavin used to switch himself off I could still see him but I couldn't feel his presence. I knew that he was in the room but I felt as if I was alone."… (meer)