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John W. James (1)

Auteur van The Grief Recovery Handbook

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John W. James was born in Danville, Illinois. He was thrust unwillingly into the arena of grief and recovery when his three-day-old son died in 1977. John lives in Los Angeles with his Emmy Award-winning wife, Jess Walton -- the evil "Jill Abbott" on The Young and the Restless -- and spends most of toon meer his free time with daughter Allison and son Cole Russell P. Friedman was born in Port Chester, New York. He arrived at the Grief Recovery Institute in 1986, following a second divorce and a major financial disaster. He started as a volunteer, and stayed and stayed and stayed. Russell lives in Sherman Oaks with Alice Borden and their dog, Max Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews was born in Los Angeles. She attended a Grief Recovery Personal Workshop after the much-publicized death of her father, Michael Landon. She earned her doctorate in the field of psychology with a focus on children and grief. She lives in Southern California with her husband, Brian, and their three glorious children toon minder

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“Depression” - if someone feels sad, one frequently throws the word.

A Commonly used phrase, "I felt depressed."

Chuck the internet, spews out misinformation, seek qualified sources in the field.

For Mental Health, always, always seek out professional, who is trained in the field.

I repeat, Always, Always seek out professional, get yourself educated.

So, Why read this work?

Someone shared with me a story.

This person shared, how they were trying to become a doctor.

The narrative of Tamil Nadu, become a doctor or engineer -- if not, you're a failure.

This person said, I fell into depression - really? They had become a Teacher.

Was it Depression or Grief?

But is it true, Depression? Misinformation, false labels create false beliefs.

Maybe it was Grief i.e loss of a dream? Do their parents know about this, nope! Wrong!

Another Story, A Tamil Girl goes through relationship break up, her friends say, “Move On”, “Time heals.”

This is all wrong stuff to say to the person according to Professionals.

Ouch, if you are a Man — painful truth, maybe want to be accurate with your oneself i.e self-awareness.

Most Men would not accept that they want to grow or have an area that they need to work on in their life - Why? Pride, Lack of growth mindset.

Emotional isolation is a major problem for grievers.

To Men:

1) Can you label your own emotions?
2) Can you express how you feel?
3) Can you feel about your own feelings?
4) If your loved ones are crying, can you sit with them, feel their feelings, instead of trying to fix it?

Many Women want to be felt heard, felt loved, felt appreciated, not fix stuff for them.

Maybe you’d say, “Oh, she went emotional.” Maybe, not.

Perhaps, time to work on this area of your life.

If you do, you'd enjoy higher-quality relationships in your life.

What is Grief?

“Grief, normal and natural reaction to loss of any kind.”

Grief is by definition emotional.

“Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior.“


What is happening in the midst of Grief?

You may have experienced a loss of trust in a parent, a loss of trust in God, or a loss of trust in any other relationship.

There are two very distinct probabilities following a loss:
(1) your religious or spiritual faith may be shattered or shaken
(2) regardless of the nature of the loss, your faith is undamaged.

A LOSS OF ALIVENESS

So, What does one do with Grief?

Two words not to use for Grief:
-guilt
-survivor

Many people use this as a narrative.

Recovery means claiming your circumstances instead of your circumstances claiming you and your happiness.

Recovery is finding new meaning for living, without the fear of being hurt again.


What are the misinformations about Grief?

Misinformations:

1. Don’t feel bad.
2. Replace the loss.
3. Grieve alone.
4. Just give it time.
5. Be strong for others.
6. Keep busy.

“grief just takes time,” the next most difficult hurdle for grievers to overcome is the incorrect belief that other people or events are responsible for their feelings.”

“Get a hold of yourself.”
“You can’t fall apart.”
“Keep a stiff upper lip.”
“Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.”
“We understand how you feel.”
“Be thankful you have other children.”
“The living must go on.”
“He’s in a better place.”
“All things must pass.”
“She led a full life.”
“God will never give you more than you can handle.”
“You shouldn’t be angry with God.”

“I can forgive, but I can’t forget.”

“I can forgive, but I can’t forget” is that, since I cannot forget, I will not forgive.

But ask yourself: Who stays in jail?

Who continues to resent and shut down his or her own mind, body, and heart?

Whose life is limited by the lack of forgiveness?

So, How does one go back to meaningful life?

One can do with a partner or alone.

1. Create Loss history Graph
2. Create Relationship History Graph

Three things involved:
- Be Totally Honesty
-Be Absolute Confidentiality
-Bring Uniqueness and Individuality

Avoid Pitfalls:

Avoid monologue, consider rather discussing.
Avoid becoming analytical, critical, or judgmental.

Go through them, Be Honest.

Expressing incomplete Grief:

Apologies
Forgiveness
Significant Emotional Statements


Write a Letter with this, Do not send to the living person. Send to a trusted Friend.

P.S: I’m not a Professional. Always reach out to Professionals, self-educate about yourself, your family story.

I'd reiterate, read basic works, get yourself educated, meet Professionals in the field.

I'd recommend this work, the core of this book is the process of Grief.

Deus Vult,
Gottfried
… (meer)
 
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gottfried_leibniz | 3 andere besprekingen | Jun 25, 2021 |
The bible on grief recovery. They bust down the myths even other therapists follow. They validate your feelings. They give you tools to help you deal with even the oldest of losses. It is never too late to heal those old wounds. I just wish I had found this book years ago.
 
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Geekstress | 3 andere besprekingen | Feb 14, 2021 |
When I was six, my baby sister died and I have never really dealt with this. Her death was never talked about and it was only years later, as an adult, that I talked to someone about this – the someone was a counsellor who I was seeing as my Mum was terminally ill and I had no understanding of how to deal with my emotions relating to loss. The counselling sessions did help me but I am still badly affected by these, and other, losses that I haven’t dealt with properly.

When I became a Dad, it was essential to me that I would support my son with any grief he will experience in his life.
(At this stage, I was angry with my parents for not helping their six-year-old son (me) at a time of such major grief and I wanted to do a better job with my son – as a little boy, I blamed myself for my sister’s death and I never had one of my parents explain that it wasn’t my fault. I felt that I should have protected her, although I now understand that I couldn’t have protected her from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome).
I carried out some research and found When Children Grieve. Reading this book has had such an impact on me that I’m sure I will be able to support my son in the future but it has also helped me understand a lot of personal issues that have troubled me since that first loss.

The book flows at a steady pace that is easy to follow, with clear examples of different experiences of loss and ways of supporting people through the loss (including a number of myths that don’t help).
Shortly after my sister died, my family moved house, I lost contact with all of my friends and ‘replaced’ them with new friends in a different place – this happened several times and I eventually stopped making any effort to make new friends. I was aware of my parents drifting apart but this was never talked about. Any time a loved one died, I simply didn’t talk about the loss and I tried to be strong, as I believed was expected by this stage.

When I started reading the myths in When Children Grieve, I became aware of just how many of them I had fallen victim to!
Myth 1: Don’t feel bad – it is natural to feel bad about loss! It’s also natural to express it and I will help my son with this when the time comes.
Myth 2: Replace the loss – I now realise this is what I was doing when making friends in new places. There was a section of this chapter that really sounded like my experience of this!
Myth 3: Grieve alone – personally, I tried not to grieve at all because I thought this was the way loss was meant to be dealt with, which leads on to…
Myth 4: Be strong – my parents were trying to be strong when my sister died, they just didn’t realise that I was also trying to be strong for them, which no six-year-old child should really be doing. The anger I mentioned before, isn’t there now, I understand that my parents were trying to do what they thought was best – based on mistaken information they had been given in the past about grief, no doubt.
Myth 5: Keep busy – this has never really applied to me (although I did read a lot of fantasy and science fiction books, which may have been a form of distraction – I was praised for my reading as a child). My parents moved house and ran businesses several times and, with hindsight, I think they were trying to keep busy to not dwell on the loss of their baby and also on the loss of their relationship.
Myth 6: Time heals all wounds – after decades of grief, this section helped me see that time does not heal all wounds, action is required and I will help my son with this.

The book goes on to provide so much helpful information that I can’t list it all here! There is lots of detail (backed up with examples) about how to move from grief to recovery. The book has really left me feeling that I can support my son (and other loved ones) understand grief; move from grief to recovery and; help them with ‘completing’ unfinished or undelivered emotions/conversations (the book goes into great detail on this topic, with good reason). There are plenty of examples to help you understand what this process looks like when it is done well.

On a personal level, this book has helped me realise a number of unresolved issues that are still there and I have ordered a copy of The Grief Recovery Handbook, to help me work through this.

In conclusion, I would definitely recommend this book to any parent or guardian who is caring for a child who has recently experienced loss (this could be the death of a person or a pet, the loss of a prized possession, moving house, personal injury or illness, the end of a relationship, changing school or the end of school etc.). I would go further and suggest that all parents and guardians are likely to benefit from reading this – your child will almost certainly experience the trauma of loss at some point and I think it’s better to have prepared yourself by reading this book before that happens – if nothing else, you can understand the harmful myths (“don’t feel bad”, “be strong” etc.) that you might instinctively rely on in times of grief.
… (meer)
 
Gemarkeerd
MarcusB01 | May 10, 2018 |

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