The message is this book is so spot on! I admire the strength of spirit and encouragement that the book contains. I listened to audiobook, which was good for me because some parts of the book are lengthy. The author clearly is very knowledgeable and has extensive experience in the subject matter. I liked the insightful stories and the positive and impactful difference the author is making in improving so many lives.
Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary advanced review copy of this book from the publisher via LibraryThing's Early Reviewers program in exchange for an honest review. The opinions I have expressed are my own. ( )

I should have read and reviewed this book earlier, and I am sorry I didn't.

Every American should be asked to read the book, particularly chapter 2, in which McPherson examines his 29th year--a pivotal year that revealed many things to him about his life, including the privileges and detractions of having been raised in a patriarchal culture that did not value his whole self, only his athletic skills and "warrior" persona.

Every American should read at least this one chapter of this book because there is something in it for everyone.

Those who are afraid to show emotions in public will SEE McPherson's own struggles with a range of issues--from being forced to accept less pay in his final year of professional football to the suicide of a friend and fellow football player. His reflections lead him to realize that masculinity in a patriarchal culture is pure theater--"a performance for the approval of other men" (62). Before this fateful and thoughtful year, McPherson had assumed that "there wasn't much to FEEL or THINK about [in being a man; it was] just something you did" (56).

As a professor, many of my students are open about their fears and anxieties--some of which paralyze them when confronted with daily life challenges. So many of them would benefit from reading McPherson's own struggles with learning to deal with emotions in a way that is both constructive and legitimizing.

Men who are afraid that showing any form of emotion or are afraid to speak out to advocate for women's rights would benefit from reading Chapter 2 because he speaks directly about how men's silences and lack of demonstrable emotions (other than anger, which is allowed) means they have no experience truly dealing with their emotions which are "essential tools for navigating life" (67). This lack of emotional intelligence and emotional skill development leads so many with "warrior" trauma to take their own lives, including 32 of his former teammates (66).

McPherson also examines how the Sports Industry's move toward commercialization of sports like football have twisted the values of the sports from teamwork to monetary goals, leading him to equate his role as a professional football player to being a gladiator "who performed for [people's] entertainment," and who is left, in the end, with no team support and not having developed as a whole person (67).

But, for me as a woman, the most touching part of this vital book comes when McPherson describes attending a function honoring several feminists in New York City at the Tavern on the Green outside Central Park. In his conversation with a few friends prior to the ceremony, one woman admitted that she would like one of the honorees better if she wasn't such an angry woman. Tactfully, McPherson asks the woman if she would visit the east side of Central Park after dark alone, pointing out that every woman has the right to be angry that they cannot enjoy the freedoms, like walking through a public park at night, that men enjoy without fear. He deftly compares this friend's reaction to the anger many feminists exhibit to how people react to his own advocacy for women's rights--whereas women are castigated for being "shrill," men who step up are applauded (50-51).

Something everyone should take away from the book is the fact that we will not fix the problem of violence against women, if we don't first address the real problem--why men feel validated in our society in being violent toward women. His approach has, largely, been to address boys about what it means to grow up as men, demonstrating that "we are not reduced as men by deliberately demonstrating [empathetic] qualities; rather, we are made whole" (226), but I do wish he would address Midwestern women who tend to not only fully support the patriarchal system, but also pass it along to their own daughters and sons.

After all, if we can convince the women who still shoulder almost solely the acts of raising our children in the most conservative parts of our culture, we can convince anyone to embrace men as whole human beings, not just their "warrior" qualities. ( )

I was pretty impressed with this book. I did feel it started off very slowly (for me) he kept talking about these lessons he learned, but he wasn't giving them out! So it took me a little bit to get into the book. It gave me a lot to think about, many of his ideas I have already entertained to one extent or another but this was a nice place to have them all put together in one spot.

I tend to agree with one of the main ideas, that men's violence against women isn't a women's issue, it's a man's issue. ( )

McPherson's refreshing opinion on the subject of toxic masculinity is one of true feminism (i.e. gender equality). "We should be asking more what boys and men can become and less about what they should or shouldn't do." He believes that in personal development, just as in sports or academics, we should "work toward excellence, not the prevention of failure. Moreover, we do not train for victory by a discernible margin, but mastery of a discipline or performance. We must apply the same vigor for excellence when considering the ideology of masculinity." McPherson's message is a hopeful one, and an inspiring one. Tl;dr: this guy gets it. ( )

The first thing that jumped out at me in this book is the idea that we don’t raise boys to be men, we raise them not to be women (or gay). What a way to be raised, yet it is commonplace. This book seeks to continue the discussion on destructive behaviors such as domestic violence and tries to change the narrative about what it means to be a man. The problem, here, as other reviewers have pointed out, is that the people who need to read this book probably won't and they are missing out on what could make a difference in their lives. I found myself skimming the first few chapters because the background information wasn't telling me helpful but as I got deeper into the book I began to understand the point the author was trying to make. An easy read to pick up and put down but again, it probably won't reach its intended audience. ( )