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Are you reading this in a cornfield, at a summer camp, or in an abandoned mental institution? Have you noticed that everything is poorly lit, or that music surges every time you open a door? If the answer is yes, you're probably trapped in a horror movie. But don't freak out-just read this book! With it you will learn how to overcome every obstacle found in scary films, including- How to determine what type of horror film you're trapped in The five types of slashers and how to defeat them How to handle killer dolls, murderous automobiles, and other haunted objects How to deal with alien invasions, zombie apocalypses, and other global threats What to do if you did something last summer, if your corn has children in it, or if you suspect you're already dead… (meer)
This book would be hard to do a backstory as there really isn't one, so I am just giving out thoughts on it.
The whole book is about what kind of scenarios you would go through if you were stuck in a horror movie and what you would have to do to survive. If you are a horror lover and you love to watch horror movies - this book is for you. Every situation that happens in horror movies good or bad is in this book. I found myself laughing a lot as there is just so many things that were funny with the survival skills needed to get through the horror movie tropes. Giving this book five "Screaming Survivor Horror Skills" stars!
I love horror movies. Halloween is my favorite holiday. I relish thriller and suspense novels. I guess if I can dress up as, watch, or read about fictional horrific things, it puts the problems I encounter in life into a better perspective. Sort of like -- Hey I can handle a flat tire during a snow storm...piece of cake. At least I'm not that babysitter who got the call about the killer being inside the house. See? Perspective.
But, I do have to say, it is disappointing when a story is clocking down to the Final Girl and characters are making rookie mistakes, especially if the tale is a sequel. You guys couldn't learn the rules in the first 8 movies?? Damn. Get smarter murder-fodder. Years ago, my husband and I used to pause movies to discuss the mistakes the characters were making and guess their mode of demise. Ooops....ran up the stairs and shut herself in the bathroom. Yeah -- smart move, cupcake. Ohhh, he's going down in the basement to flip the breaker switch? Alone? Another smart decision. Ohh look...the couple is going to walk through the woods to get help. Isn't that cute? Wrong!!!! Sigh....it's like they don't even have a clue. Even on television series there are similar moments that leave us shaking our heads. I remember well one zombie show we stopped watching because it drove us INSANE. None of the characters could remember to shut a damn door when they came inside. Ummm...hello? Zombies outside...neighbors being eaten....you SHUT the patio door. I can't sympathize with characters who screw up that bad....or a script that has such an obvious set up for munch-time. Bleck. We spent two episodes rooting for the zombies....and then stopped watching the show.
But I digress...I am going to review this book. Promise.
Because my family watches horror movies and critiques them instead of being scared, I knew I needed to read this book. It first came out in 2007...but obviously none of the victims in horror movies in the last 12 years read it. They are still making the same mistakes. So....this new and improved edition released in 2019 should help save lives, right? At least the general public now has a chance to find out a few things: 1. Am I in a horror movie? 2. What do I do if I discover I am, in fact, inside a horror movie. and 3. How do I survive to the end credits?
I had the best time reading this book! I found myself nodding and agreeing with the lists and advice. Very entertaining and fun to read! And I now find myself wanting to sit and binge watch some horror. The characters will still make all those bad errors in judgement....but in the end, it's just fiction, right? Right? *Looks around nervously* Was that a strange music stab? Are those really hooded figures chanting outside in my front yard? OMG...who drew that strange symbol on the floor of my office?
Uh oh.....
**I voluntarily read a review copy of this book from Quirk Books via Edelweiss. All opinions expressed are entirely my own. No lost campers were slashed during the writing of this review. Honest.** ( )
Quick impressions: If you are a fan of horror movies, you will probably like this. If you are not, and you suddenly find yourself in a horror movie, this book may save your life. The author plays well with the horror movie conventions creating a good survival guide to a horror movie blended with some good humor. Overall I really liked this one.
While HOW TO SURVIVE A HORROR MOVIE isn't going to win any major awards from me, I did think it was an amusing little aside to break up the monotony of some of the heavier reads I've been indulging as of late. It's good for those familiar enough with the horror genre to know it's patterns and tropes, but not so protective of it that they aren't able to enjoy a little good-natured teasing. It's a light, quick book to amuse the reader, and then be forgotten.
Also, if you really did wind up in a horror movie, reading this book would probably actually help? The advice seems solid.
Warning: Harmful language for intellectual disabilities was used in the version I read. It's unacceptable and outdated and I hope later editions were more sensitive. It is not excessive, but the word was used once or twice.
For a more detailed review or to check out my other bookish content, fly on over to The Literary Phoenix. ( )
Informatie afkomstig uit de Engelse Algemene Kennis.Bewerk om naar jouw taal over te brengen.
"Don't let us make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many real ones to encounter."
--Oliver Goldsmith (1730-1774)
Opdracht
Eerste woorden
Informatie afkomstig uit de Engelse Algemene Kennis.Bewerk om naar jouw taal over te brengen.
INTRODUCTION
Brace yourself for some bad news--if you're reading this, there's a good chance you've become trapped in a horror movie.
CHAPTER I WELCOME TO THE TERRORVERSE
DR. LOOMIS Death has come to your little town, Sheeriff. Now you can either ignore it, or you can help me to stop it. --HALLOWEEN (1978)
Those of us who've become trapped in a horror movie have a choice: We can either line up with the other cattle and march into the slaughterhouse, or we can fight back. Yes, it's a long way to the final credits. No, the odds aren't in our favor. But that's no excuse to lie down and let the filmmakers have their way with us. Choose to learn the new rules. Choose to use them in your favor.
Choose life.
Citaten
Informatie afkomstig uit de Engelse Algemene Kennis.Bewerk om naar jouw taal over te brengen.
Big Budget. Really? If you are in a horror flick, it's almost certainly alien or satanic in nature. But it's more likely that you've made the common mistake of misdiagnosing a "psychological thriller" as a horror movie. If so, heed this advice: If you're looking for your child, he/she probably never existed. Also: your husband did it.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU DID SOMETHING LAST SUMMER
...
2. Determine if anyone knows what you did. If you get a letter from someone claiming they know what you did, chances are someone knows. Likewise, if you had accomplices who also did what you did, it's likely that they know, too. It's recommended that you kill any accomplices as a means of reducing the number of people who know what you did.
6. SHOOT FIRST, NEVER BOTHER ASKING QUESTIONS. If something moves, shoot it. Either you've just dropped a zombie that was headed toward the smell of your tasty brains, or you've killed an innocent old lady laying a wreath on her husband's grave. Either way, give yourself a pat on the back. You did the right thing. Bury her, burn the wreath, and sleep well knowing it's better to be wrong than dead.
Speed. Humans can walk at a good clip. Zombies use tortoises as skateboards. Well, most of them do. Though rare, fast-moving zombies do exist. Little is known about their origins, but they seem to be indigenous to Great Britain and remakes.
Anyone who schedules a tan after midnight has to be a bloodsucker. Sure, you'll kill a few innocents here and there. But if they were tanning in the middle of the night, they were probably very lonely people anyway, and nobody will miss them.
4. BREAK THE RULES. Being dead has its advantages. For one, you're not governed by rules of common sense and decency. Therefore, one of the surest ways of confirming your death is testing whether or not those rules still apply.
Enter restricted areas. Perhaps a locker room of the opposite sex or the Pentagon. If no one stops you (and you aren't a transvestite or four-star general), you might be dead.
Stop flushing. If no one complains after a few days, there's a solid chance your waste is not of this earth.
Root for the Yankees at Fenway. If you don't die by the seventh-inning stretch, you're already dead.
Use the salad fork for your main course. If no one snickers at your stupidity, all signs point to morbidity.
Wear socks with sandals. Or black shoes with a brown handbag. If you don't get any disapproving looks from the local fashion police, you're almost certainly dead.
Mess with Texas. No live human being could mess with Texas. If you succeed in messing with Texas, it's a sure bet you're as d ear as a June bug in July.
. . .
7. FORCE THE ISSUE. . . . You really want to know if you're dead or not? Force the issue. Walk up to a stranger and ask the time. Stroll into traffic and see if anybody swerves. Walk into a convenience store and try to buy a pack of cigarettes. If the clerk doesn't seem to see or hear you, you're dead. If he sells you a pack of smokes? You're alive.
Careful, though. Those things'll kill you.
5. STAY CLOSE TO WATER. If you have a boat, now would be the time to get something more practical than a superiority complex out of it. Aliens tend to ignore the 70 percent of our planet covered in water.
. . . Worse yet, space-based horror movies are among the most expensive to produce--meaning their writers and directors are a cut above direct-to-video. And the more talented your filmmaking adversaries, the more likely that the final frontier will become your final resting place.
2. NEVER INVESTIGATE A FAILURE TO RESPOND. The only thing more ominous than a distress signal is no signal.
- If a distant colony stops transmitting, the colonists are dead. Make no attempts to recover bodies or equipment. Proceed to step 7. - If a ship doesn't respond to hails, either the entire crew is dead or they've been driven insane by some faceless evil form another dimension and will eat the soul of anyone who boards. Proceed to step 7. . . .
WHAT TO DO IF YOUR CORN HAS CHILDREN IN IT
. . .
A skimpy tank top. Due to their religious fanaticism, corn-dwelling children dress like eighteenth-century puritans--a weakness easily exploited with a single piece of twenty-first century clothing. One of the female pests will happen upon the tank top and try it on, instantly making her the hottest girl in the cornfield. The other females will divide into two groups: those who befriend the girl to bask in her popularity, and those who denounce her as a "total whore." The males, meanwhile, will practically tear one another apart trying to be with her. Result? What had been a harmonious, God-fearing community is now a John Hughes movie . . .
. . .
2. BUILD A BASEBALL FIELD. If crop dusting comes up short, don't despair. In the late 1980s, a loophole was created in the "all movie cornfields are evil" law, and you can reap the benefit with only a small investment of time and money.
First, clear a few acres of your corn, preferably near your farmhouse. Next, build a baseball field. . . .
Once the field is complete, it shouldn't take more than a few days before deceased Hall-of-Famers show up for practice. At this point, your cornfield has been transformed from evil to merely enchanted, and the children will be forced to leave.
A word of warning: If you leave the baseball field up too long, you'll be swarmed with motorists who felt compelled to drive all the way to your farm to see it. You also run the risk of your dead father showing up.
A HORROR MOVIE PARENTING GUIDE
. . .
SYMPTOM: My child's nanny just hanged herself in front of us. TREATMENT: Unfortunately, your child is the seed of Lucifer, heir to the throne of eternal agony.
SYMPTOM: My child screams obscenities at me, slams doors in my face, and tells me that I'm going to rot in Hell for all eternity. TREATMENT: There's nothing wrong with your child.
Dungeons & Dragons. A game created by the Dark Lord to lure young nerds into his service.
Harry Potter books. Never mind that the letters in "Harry Potter" can be rearranged to spell "Thy Terror, Pa!" ("Pa" is an obvious reference to God.) These books encourage young readers to imagine a world filled with ghosts, witches, and naughty children. An imagination is the devil's playground.
Non-Christian albums. These are music to Satan's ears.
9. MAKE SURE THE DEMON'S REALLY GONE. Sometimes, those tricky little hellions will pretend to flee in the name of Christ when in fact they're just laying low until you leave. So before you go ahead and proclaim victory over the armies of the damned, it would behoove you to conduct a few experiments to confirm the total absence of the demon:
Have the victim take communion. Minions of Satan don't react well toe the Eucharist.
Take the victim to a zoo. If the animals become uneasy, you've still got a problem.
Give the victim a bath. Don't tell them that they're bathing in holy water! If they do fine, the demon's fled.
Laatste woorden
Informatie afkomstig uit de Engelse Algemene Kennis.Bewerk om naar jouw taal over te brengen.
EPILOGUE
TANGINA This house . . . is clean. --POLTERGEIST (1982)
When is it safe? When we see credits rolling in front of our eyes? Hear applause? When the killer suddenly takes off the mask, shakes our hand, and say, "Nice working with you?"
No, it's never safe.
Once you're in the Terrorverse, you're in for good--even after the movie that brought you there has wrapped. you succeeded in vanquishing the enemy? Great. Chances are you made it to the final credits, and you'll lead a long, peaceful life (especially if the movie bombs at the box office). But there will always be the possibility, however slight, that you'll be called back for sequels.
Screenwriters will keep dreaming up new villains and killing methods. Directors will get sleeker and bloodier. And the enemy will keep its fangs and machetes razor sharp.
Are you reading this in a cornfield, at a summer camp, or in an abandoned mental institution? Have you noticed that everything is poorly lit, or that music surges every time you open a door? If the answer is yes, you're probably trapped in a horror movie. But don't freak out-just read this book! With it you will learn how to overcome every obstacle found in scary films, including- How to determine what type of horror film you're trapped in The five types of slashers and how to defeat them How to handle killer dolls, murderous automobiles, and other haunted objects How to deal with alien invasions, zombie apocalypses, and other global threats What to do if you did something last summer, if your corn has children in it, or if you suspect you're already dead
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4
This book would be hard to do a backstory as there really isn't one, so I am just giving out thoughts on it.
The whole book is about what kind of scenarios you would go through if you were stuck in a horror movie and what you would have to do to survive. If you are a horror lover and you love to watch horror movies - this book is for you. Every situation that happens in horror movies good or bad is in this book. I found myself laughing a lot as there is just so many things that were funny with the survival skills needed to get through the horror movie tropes. Giving this book five "Screaming Survivor Horror Skills" stars!
Highly Recommend! (