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Gob: Illusion, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. [GOB notices children in earshot] ...Or candy!
Michael: What have we always said is the most important thing? George Michael: Breakfast! Michael: ...No. Family. George Michael: Oh right! I thought you meant of the things you eat.
Lucille: If you're saying I play favorites, you're wrong. I love all my children equally. [Flashback to that morning] Lucille: I don't care for Gob.
George Sr.: How much clearer can I say it: "THERE IS ALWAYS MONEY IN THE BANANA STAND!" Prison Guard: NO TOUCHING! George Sr.: NO TOUCHING!
George Sr.: Maybe it was the eleven months he spent in the womb. The doctor said there were claw marks on the walls of her uterus.
Buster: She's just wigged out because I have a girlfriend. Lucille: A waiter hands him a note and suddenly he's Steve McQueen. He doesn't even know what she looks like. Buster: I know that she's a brownish area with points.
Michael: Come on, face it. You just do all this charity crap just to stroke your ego. You don't even know what the auction's for tonight. Lindsay: The wetlands. Michael: To do what with them? Lindsay: Dry them. Michael: Save them. Lindsay: From drying.
Lucille: You're my third least favorite child. Michael: I can live with that.
Man at the store: May I help you? Tobias: Oh, I hope so. Um, I'm looking for something that says, "Dad likes leather." Man: Something that says, "leather daddy"? Tobias: Oh, is there such a thing?
Lucille: I don't understand the question, and I won't respond to it.
Buster: I’m a scholar. I enjoy scholarly pursuits. Lucille: Suddenly, playing with yourself is a scholarly pursuit.
Wife of Gob: I'm in love with your brother-in-law. Gob: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army? Wife of Gob: No, your sister's husband. Gob: Michael? [angrily] Michael! Wife of Gob: No, that's your sister's brother. Gob: No, I'm my sister's brother. [happily] You're in love with me — me! Wife of Gob: I'm in love with Tobias. Gob: My brother-in-law? Wife of Gob: I know it can never be, so I'm leaving. I'm enlisting in the army. Gob: To be with your brother. Wife of Gob: No!
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