Christmas at home is always the same anyway. Natalie and I agree not to give each other anything, Dad gets three pairs of Marks and Sparks socks and Mum a jar of bath salts she never uses. We all make excited noises as we open the presents we have helped each other wrap up and Natalie starts eating glace fruits before breakfast. Dad goes off to the boozer and gets paralytic and Natalie watches the carol service on the telly and says which of the blokes in the choir she fancies most. Mum gets on with the cooking and has 'a little glass of something to keep herself company'. By the time Dad gets back from covered in lipstick she is as pissed as he is and Natalie has started on the chocolates filled with Babycham. We all sit down to dinner at about three o'clock and Dad says a few words about family unity before tearing Mum off a strip because he reckons the turkey has not been in long enough. Natalie has to go upstairs after three mouthfuls and we find out that we have just missed the Queen's speech. We get the telly on in time for the national anthem and Dad insists on us all standing up - he gets very patriotic indeed when he is pissed. The Christmas pudding won't light because Mum has poured olive oil over it instead of brandy and Dad breaks his dentures on one of the lucky threepenny bits that has been used for so many years they have a coating of green mould on them. After dinner we decide to go for a walk but by the time Natalie comes out of the toilet it is dark so we spend the rest of the day in front of the telly. Dad falls asleep with his hands down the front of his trousers and Mum nods off over 'The Stars Christmas Party' which was recorded in July.