Kristen Lavalley

Summary: A memoir of facing suffering and all the questions of why and where is God and does God hear.

If we pray and devote ourselves to God and God’s mission and do what is right, God will protect and bless our lives. Right? And if we suffer, we have gone astray from that formula. Right? Kristen LeValley grew up with those kind of ideas until devastating traumas forced her to go deeper and question these verities, the same ones Job endured from his friends. She and her husband were forced to leave a church where they ministered. She miscarried, witnessed a murder, and faced a high risk pregnancy with twins and a resulting two month stay in a NICU.

This book, while discussing the other traumas, focuses on her high risk pregnancy. After a miscarriage she learned that her and Zach would have twins. Then came the ultrasound that changed everything. One of the babies was not getting enough blood through the umbilical cord. The baby could die and her death would send a rush of blood through the cord of the other baby, possibly killing her as well and endangering Kristen’s life. The recommendation was to cut the cord of the baby not getting enough blood to save the other.

She wrestled with trying to come up with an explanation. Was it her fault or God’s? Was there some purpose in all this? She couldn’t find answers to any of these questions and the book recounts her dawning understanding that God nevertheless was present. Suffering, in revealing her inadequate theology, was an invitation to know God better. Facing a terrible decision, she discovers wisdom in the form of simply continuing the pregnancy, despite questions at every appointment about terminating the life of one child. Still, she had to face the question of “what if He doesn’t?” which brought her to the question of will I trust him if one or both of my babies die?

In a series of short chapters, combining personal narrative, sometimes heart-breaking, she takes us through her process, how God met her amid the messiness of her trauma. Along the way she notes how unhelpful the constant questions about terminating the pregnancy were on one hand and, equally, the valorizing by pro-life Christians of her decision to carry the twins to term. Neither comprehended the valley she was going through.

At the conclusion of each chapter, she summarizes the “shift” in her beliefs through her painful journey. I liked this at the end of a chapter titled “The Sacredness of Shared Pain”:

THE DISTORTION:

The reason someone is suffering and
their response to that suffering determines
the level of compassion they deserve.

THE SHIFT

Compassion, given freely and without restriction,
reflects the heart of the Father to those who are
hurting, regardless of how that pain happened.

This is a valuable book to read both for the suffering and those who walk alongside the suffering. No cliches. Just an unvarnished account of pain and the ways the author came to understand God anew.

I love this statement toward the end about God being glorified in our suffering:

“We don’t have to tie things up with a pretty bow to make sure we’re presenting God in the best light. We don’t have to justify our heartbreak to prove that God is still good. We don’t have to find a target so it will make sense. We don’t have to defend God’s goodness by dismissing the pain of our experiences” (p. 187).

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Disclosure of Material Connection: I received a complimentary review copy of this book from the publisher.… (meer)