Jennifer Lehr

Very much a book for parents of young children whose challenges to our equilibrium can often drive us to our worst selves. Lehr presents one aspect of the issue by quoting a cartoon of a mother saying to her daughter, “Honey, when you grow up, I want you to be assertive, independent, and strong-willed. But while you’re a kid, I want you to be passive, pliable, and obedient.” Lehr’s argument is that this is an untenable project. [I suspect, stated outright like that, some kids could handle it, but definitely not all.] Also, attributed to Freud: “unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” Time-outs are bad for your child; they don’t succeed in dealing with the need the child was expressing with the problematic behavior. (She doesn’t like “misbehave” because it’s a term used to control children like property—if you wouldn’t say your mother “misbehaved” you shouldn’t say it of your child.) Quoting another author: “time-outs convey to the child that we cannot handle them unless they’re good.” Also, don’t force your kids to provide affection, or even a “sorry” (though having them go through conflict resolution is ok), or to share immediately upon demand (though extended turn taking is ok). Especially given the condemnation of spanking, with which I totally agree, this is going to read to a lot of people like “let your kids walk all over you,” and it is, a little bit, with the idea that the kids will eventually grow up and if they learn how to express their emotions, they will eventually be able to accept those emotions and make better choices.… (meer)

I admit it. The title of this book is absolutely the reason I picked the book up. It made me think of girls not too many generations back being told to lay back and think of England while their husbands took care of his business. Now they were truly ill-equipped for a life of sex. But I had to wonder how anyone in this over-exposed, tell-all world could possibly qualify as ill-equipped unless they grew up in some sort of strange puritanish cult, which Lehr clearly did not.

Lehr's memoir of her sexual life, including but not limited to her marriage and disappointing sex life with her adored husband, is brutally honest, graphic, and lays it all on the line for the reader. Lehr details the couples counseling that she and husband John attend in an effort to get to the bottom of their sexual dysfunction. Interspersed with therapy chapters, Lehr also traces her sexual history and the disappointments she suffered in bed along the way to meeting her husband.

Most people would not be so forthright about sex in general and their sex lives in particular but Lehr invites readers into her bedroom and into her head as she sorts through the myriad feelings that can either support or sabotage sexuality. Her openess occasionally induces cringing in this reader but since her husband ostensibly gave his permission for her to over-share, it was short-lived. Unfortunately there were other issues with the book that took away from any pleasure in reading it. The writing is rather puerile and language is often inserted simply for shock value and not because the cruder term suits the narrative. This makes it feel as if the text is trying to come off as fresh and current but is instead the equivalent of parents trying too hard, using language not native to them. The chapters are short and choppy, with the slight sound of a diary confession. Sadly, I've never enjoyed reading anyone's diary, not my daughter's and not even my own from back in the day. Diaries are pretty self-absorbed and narcissistic and this memoir (unintentionally) captures that feel. By the end I just didn't care if Jennifer and John had ever achieved a satisfying sex life. I just wanted out of their therapy sessions and out of their very public bedroom. Those with a prurient interest in others' sex lives and in the concept of great sex not necessarily following on love will want to read this one, all others can safely skip it.… (meer)

Stumptail macaques do it. Bottlenose dolphins do it. And, well, that's pretty much it. So why can't human beings just have sex for the hell of it without any emotions or past experiences interfering? Because it's all so complicated as author Jennifer Lehr tells her psychiatrist in couples therapy when describing sex with her soon-to-be husband, John. In her memoir, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex, Lehr describes how she and John escaped sexual stagnation by exploring their previous sex-ed, or rather, mis-education.At least mis-education provides the basis for Lehr’s novel. Floating back and forth between her sexual experiences prior to John and the problems she and John faced from day one, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex reads like dialogue from a support group for confused and frustrated women. A very suggestive, yet sympathetic, account of her own sexual excursion emerges from Lehr’s daringly honest memoir. Her reflection on her life and her openness in relating her sexual past complete with every botched romance, presents a perfect what-not-to-do guide. She discovers what others have encountered in the past: finding true love doesn’t necessarily mean that a perfect sex life comes in the package.By the time she reaches age twenty-eight, Lehr feels she leads an unfulfilling life. Not only a struggling artist still in college with no hopes for a career providing her with independence from her parents, she can’t seem to find a soulmate eager to share her life with. Somewhat of a diary-account, Ill-Equipped for a Life of Sex tells the life-story of an ordinary woman’s struggle to find true love and then maintain it.Lehr writes just as one would imagine her speaking, “We quickly became the typical I-must-talk-to-you-every-night-and-drive-over-to-your-house-at-10-p.m.-because-I-absolutely-cannot-go-to-sleep-if-I’m-not-in-the-same-bed-as-you couple falling in love.” While initially refreshing and easily related to, this style quickly becomes annoying. Lehr’s overuse of hyphens throughout her book glares. Half-way through the book, more time is spent looking for the latest hyphenated sentence than absorbing what should be a very witty, honest and humorous read. Lehr’s style disarms with her traces of narcissism and foul language. In just one paragraph, she manages to incorporate “fuck” into her sentences five times. Even her word choice throughout various instances in the book irritates such as when describing one of her numerous failed relationships, “Evan would rather not have me in his life than have me in his life continued to excruciate.”Once past the foul language and annoying hyphen usage, a reflection on what was just read leaves a feeling that life isn’t so bad and happiness can be reached. Intended to be a helpful chronicle for others dealing with similar issues, Ill-Equipped speaks to many men and women facing reality as they emerge from adolescence. Taught by movies, confused by societal norms and deceived by just as confused peers, so many individuals believe that patience alone will uncover the perfect mate which will deliver a loving relationship with great sex. Lehr provides the perfect example of how this myth spirals into self-depreciation, and how to stop that downward spiral to work toward a healthy, stable and sexually-fulfilling marriage.Lehr’s courage in exposing her most private experiences through this memoir is admirable. She selflessly welcomes readers into her mind. It’s just too bad she didn’t present it a bit more tactfully and coherently.Relate to own life: As her first therapist tells her, “…the way we relate to our parents creates its own pattern. Early on in our lives, this pattern gets drawn onto our psyche. We respond to our parents in the same way over and over and over and over and over and over again, and as we do, the pattern is drawn – like any path walked over and over again – creating tracks that get deeper and deeper. So if I could think abut these tracks as imprinted on my brain, the Eye-Popper continued, it’s only natural for me to continue to follow those tracks.Lehr explores all of the events leading up her marriage, including her lack of initial attraction to John, her family’s reaction to him, their shared insecurities, their sex life (or, more accurately, the absence of it), and all else that comes in between. She explains how she overcomes (or at least learns to accept) all of these supposed shortcomings and ends up with a satisfying relationship with a man she learns to cherish and love. She makes it clear that her husband shares the same apprehensions about the viability of the union, but, in the end, her adoration appears to be reciprocated. Her detailed re-creations of their arguments, therapy sessions and familial conversations are so spirited you cannot help but laugh out loud, despite the fact you are keenly aware that these exchanges caused a great deal of heartache as they struggled to make their relationship work.In case you are wondering, yes, in some instances Lehr is so honest you feel badly for John, whose raw emotion and sexual inadequacies (at least as far as Lehr is concerned) are just as exposed (if not more so) than those of the author herself. However, one can guiltlessly flip through her tale rationalizing that if John allows for this uncensored exposure (which Lehr makes clear in her acknowledgments) then who is the reader the object to its inclusion.Although I am usually not a fan of memoirs, particularly those of seemingly ordinary people, Lehr’s story holds its own. This is so mainly because she holds nothing back. She even reveals the emotional, overbearing and nagging elements of her personality that she readily admits contributed to the failure of her past relationships. She behaves so erratically at some points, it leads one to wonder why John (not Lehr) remained so committed to making things work.There is no doubt that Lehr (and her husband) took a great risk in exposing so much of their lives. However the end result of their decision, this gem of a memoir, certainly falls into the category of those worth taking.… (meer)