Milan Yerkovich

This book is based on their decades of work with couples, and is based on attachment theory.

Preface
“We’ve trademarked our approach to couples’ therapy and call it Attachment Core Pattern Therapy.”

Chapter 17
“But not once in the first fifteen years of our marriage did I ever allow Milan to hold me as I cried. Now I have learned how to engage, how to be a giver and a receiver, and though at first I found it awkward and just plain frightening to be so vulnerable, now I can’t count the number of times I’ve been held while I cried. Milan and I just needed to learn how to engage.” (75% highlighted)

The Wall
“Their wedding picture mocked them from the other table, these two whose minds no longer touched each other.
They lived with such a heavy barricade between them that neither battering ram of words nor artilleries of touch could break it down.
Somewhere, between the oldest child’s first tooth and the youngest daughter’s graduation, they lost each other.
Throughout the years each slowly unraveled that tangled ball of string called self, and as they tugged at stubborn knots, each hid his searching from the other.
Sometimes she cried at night and begged the whispering darkness to tell her who she was. He lay beside her, snoring like a hibernating bear, unaware of her winter.
Once, after they had made love, he wanted to tell her how afraid he was of dying, but fearful to show his naked soul, he spoke instead of the beauty of her body.
She took a course on modern art, trying to find herself in colors splashed upon a canvas, complaining to the other women about men who are insensitive.
He climbed into a tomb called “The Office,” wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures, and buried himself in customers.
Slowly, the wall between them rose, cemented by the mortar of indifference.
One day, reaching out to each other, they found a barrier they could not penetrate, and recoiling from the coldness of the stone, each retreated from the stranger on the other side.
For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle, not when fiery bodies lose their heat. It lies panting, exhausted expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale.
—Author Unknown”

“Are you like this couple? Are you unaware of each other’s winters? Have you been on the verge of speaking a deep truth but fell silent, afraid to show your spouse your naked soul? Along the way, if couples decide not to engage, the walls get higher until two strangers stand on opposite sides. There is no real giving or receiving, no true health or vitality, none of the life-giving reciprocity that comes with engaging each other. The problem is, each of us has entered marriage imprinted with patterns that interfere with giving and receiving.”


There are five harmful love styles: (Book Chapter 4; Page 51 of 344)
1. the avoider
2. pleaser
3. vacillator
4. controller and
5. victim.

“Briefly, adults imprinted to be
[A]void[ers] learned early on to minimize their feelings, be independent, and meet their own needs.
Pleasers learned to be cautious and tried hard to be the good kids in order to avoid criticism and keep things peaceful.
Vacillators found early on that connection was sometimes available but unpredictable, and these kids were often left waiting, so by the time attention was offered, they were too angry to receive it.
Controllers and victims learned to cover their fears by either fighting back or detaching and complying.
Each style is characterized by a particular way of coping with pain, which unfortunately abounds in too many family situations.” (Chapter 4; Page 52 of 344)

“We saw that we have broken and ineffective love styles that we learned as children, styles that do not serve us well in our adult relationships. In addition, we also have selfish natures that want to go in directions other than what’s good for us. Even when we are well meaning and our hearts want to do the right thing, our minds can battle with our inner spirits. Lastly, we live in a broken world of distorted perspectives. If we buy into the brokenness, we end up loving the wrong things, climbing ladders only to find that they are leaning against the wrong wall, accumulating stuff that does not satisfy, and finding our hearts still yearning for something that’s missing. The gravitational forces of injurious imprints, our selfish, blaming attitudes, and the lures of the world—all these contribute to disappointments and failures within marriage.” (Chapter 15 “The Comfort Circle”, 67%)

As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” (81%)

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24, NIV). (82%)

“I walked into my doctor’s office the other day, and the receptionist greeted me with a smile. “How are you? Do you need validation today?” “Thanks, I’m good,” I said. “My wife and I had a good talk this morning.” “I meant the parking, sir,” she said.” (82%)

“We saw that we have broken and ineffective love styles that we learned as children, styles that do not serve us well in our adult relationships. In addition, we also have selfish natures that want to go in directions other than what’s good for us. Even when we are well meaning and our hearts want to do the right thing, our minds can battle with our inner spirits. Lastly, we live in a broken world of distorted perspectives. If we buy into the brokenness, we end up loving the wrong things, climbing ladders only to find that they are leaning against the wrong wall, accumulating stuff that does not satisfy, and finding our hearts still yearning for something that’s missing. The gravitational forces of injurious imprints, our selfish, blaming attitudes, and the lures of the world—all these contribute to disappointments and failures within marriage.” (Chapter 15 “The Comfort Circle”, 67%)

As Stephen R. Covey wrote in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” (81%)

“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones” (Proverbs 16:24, NIV). (82%)

“I walked into my doctor’s office the other day, and the receptionist greeted me with a smile. “How are you? Do you need validation today? ” “Thanks, I’m good,” I said. “My wife and I had a good talk this morning.” “I meant the parking, sir,” she said.” (82%)

Many books about marriage relations are written by therapists. They insert anecdotes about couples who have a breakthrough and the implication is that they ‘lived happily ever after.’ But a closer reading (of this book anyway), one can see that this oversimplified view is wrong. Yet, perhaps to encourage us, authors leave us with the impression ‘do this’ and your marriage will be better.… (meer)

I went into this one thinking I'd find insight on how to strengthen an already strong marriage. Sadly, this one just opened up old wounds and made me feel cold inside. It had great information, but I think it focused way too much energy on the childhood influence of marriage. I agree and understand that where we come from and how we're raised plays a strong role in relationships, but I was hoping for more of a "now approach". I wanted tips on what works, what doesn't and also tips on how we can spice up the romance and spark up conversation. This one kind of counseled you out of a problem, rather than helping you prevent one....

I think people having troubles in their marriage will appreciate this read, but for me, it just didn't work. I'd still recommend it, but go into it seeking help, not guidance.… (meer)