whew.. where to start.

Evan Mandery.. what an interesting fellow. If you go to college at NYC’s John Jay College, you can find him in the school’s rolodex as a Professor of ethics and death penalty law. He has apparently written a couple of non-fiction books: The Campaign: Rudy Giuliani, Ruth Messinger, Al Sharpton, and the Race to Be Mayor of New York City in 1999 and Eyes on City Hall: A Young Man’s Education in New York Political Warfare in 2001.

The guy knows how to do research (wow, i mean, wow), more on that topic here in a few moments.

Dreaming of Gwen Stefani is all about Mortimer Taylor Coleridge. Here is the back of the book normally, i dont do this, but it doesnt tell you anything that the first ten pages wouldnt cover expansively:

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Mortimer Taylor Coleridge is a unique man. With a mind of rare mathematical precision, he is obsessed with imposing order upon the chaos of every day life. A once brilliant student of evolutionary biology at Columbia University, he has turned his back on a promising academic career to devote his life to selling hot dogs at Papaya Queen. And Mortimer has used his keen intellect to become the quickest and most efficient of hot dog men, devising a numerical-based system to sell hot dogs which maximizes both time and effort.

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One day while watching TV, Mortimer comes upon VH1, and his life is instantly transformed. While watching Behind the Music: No Doubt, he decides that he and Gwen Stefani are soul mates, destined to be together. When Mortimer discovers that her favorite food is a Papaya Queen hot dog, he dedicates his life to preparing for the day, which he knows will come, when Gwen Stefani will walk into the Papaya Queen where he works, order a frankfurter and fall in love with him.
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This cast of characters in this book was pretty incredible.

The character Mortimer spends a lot of time writing in notebooks through out his life, attempting to capture moments and thoughts so that they will never be lost. much of this book feels like you are reading his undisclosed pages, and i feel that this was how it was supposed to come across, especially considering the epilogue.

Mortimer is obsessive, manic, methodical. Mortimer, as listed above, was a “brilliant student at Columbia University”. He is forever changed when he attends a class taught by Professor Fillmore Skinny. Skinny teaches a class where everyone who shows up is nearly guaranteed an A grade. by the end of Skinny’s lecture series, Mortimer is the only person left in class, and his world has been destroyed. His perception of human nature and consequences has been struck down so hard by this teacher/mentor/idol, that he drops out of school and commits his life to servitude at the one place he can love and understand, the Hot Dog shop he frequented in college.

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Mortimer’s girlfriend Violet is an obsessive, emotional future beaten housewife. she will and does do everything in her power to make Mortimer happy. she will do anything not to be alone.

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Bertrand Skinny is Mortimer’s boss. the majority of his conversations in the book consist of the phrase “this is better”. he is dry and typical in most every way.

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Gwen Stefani, current lead singer of the band “No Doubt”. She, being the object of desire in this yarn, is exposed to us in varying levels of information. from the history of the bands origins, to her climb to stardom. lyrical interpretation, speculation on her thoughts and motives, the most logical ways to swoon her.

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This book spends about every other chapter dealing with the events surrounding the characters, the only one that you get deep insight into is Mortimer himself and supposed insight into Gwen. all the rest are casually available but not very substantial. Mortimer drones on and on about subjects. this is where the author’s research skills come in. You ever want to read a short but cohesive history about No Doubt? the story behind Ska music in general? Do you want to think of human beings as nothing but constructs built for the purpose of furthering the propagation of Nucleic acids and that everything you think you know is an illusion created to make you blindly live your life thinking it was your own? do you think that humans are nothing but more advanced worms with arms, legs, and bigger brains? well, each of these topics are incredibly well thought out and researched.

how about the origins Hot Dogs/Frankfurters or the ratio of 8 buns to 10 dogs in a package? i was surprised to find myself both salivating and ravenously reading ahead as i learned more baout them. the history, the small facts, even a compelling and logical answer to that eternal ratio as well as why it has never been resolved in society…. it is not so much conspiracy as plain stupidity and pigheadedness. i will have to do further research and post about that specifically later on.

i came to an understanding with Mortimer once i read this. He and i should go bowling and drink a beer.. he seems like a douchebag, but all the same, one that if he were real, one i would want to pick the brain of.
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