John Sims Townsend

A few notes from the book. Mostly I highlighted, and made notes in Kindle.

Chapter 4: The Return of Desire
Banish Victimhood
1. Global helplessness
2. A focus on the bad other
3. The perception of moral superiority

Chapter 8: You Grieve and Let It Go
Chapter 8 describes two categories of love-gone-bad songs. Both types “provide a necessary part of the picture,” but something is missing; “You must grieve what was.”

Grief: What It Is and What It Does for You
“Grief is letting go of what you cannot keep.”

Six Components for Grieving a Lost Relationship (there is a section for each of these.)
1. Acknowledge the attachment
2. Accept that you can’t control the loss
3. Name what you valued
1. Because you must say good-bye to the entire person, not simply the negative parts of the person.
4. Surround yourself with people who are comforting
1. How do you know if someone has the capacity to comfort? By the degree to which they remain present with you when you grieve.
5. Allow the sadness
6. Give yourself the gift of time

Ecclesiastes 7:3 Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. (NIV)

Ecclesiastes 7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. (KJV)… (meer)

This book wasn’t as meaningful to me as I expected it to be. I liked their quotations with the Bible. Sometimes I didn’t quite see how the quotation supported what they were saying. Somehow this book just didn’t click with me. It’s a very popular book, so it might be great for someone else. Come to think of it, I’m not into self-help books these days.

Chapters 1-4 set the background on problems in human development of boundaries.

Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries
1. The law of sowing and reaping
2. The law of responsibility
3. The law of power: (What power do we have)
4. The law of respect
5. The law of motivation (Love or fear or guilt)
6. The law of evaluation (Does it hurt or harm - they are different)
7. The law of proactivity
8. The law of envy
9. The law of activity (Passivity never pays off)
10. The law of Exposure (Boundaries need to be made visible to others & communicated)

Part 1
1. A Day in a Boundaryless Life
2. What Does a Boundary Look Like
3. Boundary Problems
4. How Boundaries are Developed
5. 5. Ten Laws of Boundaries
6. Common Boundary Myths
Part 2: Boundary Conflicts
Part 3: Developing Healthy Boundaries… (meer)

Benefits
Better relationships
The experience of love
The capacity for intimacy
Freedom
Joy and happiness
Success in goals and dreams
Personal growth and healing
Leadership abilities
Good effects on others
Quality of life
Spiritual growth

“Each of these aspects helps in becoming a fully loving person:
• Connecting—making an emotional bond
• Truth-Telling—honesty that serves the other person
• Healing—repairing brokenness • Letting Go—giving up what should be surrendered
• Romancing—the unique love of being a couple.”


The Essentials of Receiving Connection (In Chapter 3)
1. Needing
1. Grace
2. Acceptance
3. Empathy - one of our most basic needs
4. Validation
5. Understanding
2. Asking
3. Taking it in “YOU MUST RECEIVE THE CONNECTION IN ORDER TO MAKE THE TRANSFER COMPLETE.”
1. Wholeheartedness - you cannot be ambivalent about it.
2. Using
4. The Disconnected State: “ Disconnection is the inability to feel and experience the warmth of connection over time.”
1. “The process by which we take in and use the attachment we have received in becoming a loved person is called internalization.”
5. God and Being Connected
1. The suspense movie The Butterfly Effect was mentioned.
6. Connection Before Change
7. The Role of Pain
8. The Abilities of a Connecting Person
9. Take the Initiative
1. Move fro the everyday to the emotional
10. Suspend Your Point of View
1. (This reminds me of Covey’s ‘Seek first to understand.’)
2. An example of getting lost in a movie - of empathizing with the protagonist.
11. Elements of the Connection Time
1. Deicide that for now, it’s not about you; it’s about them
2. Focus, focus, focus
1. Remember that our minds sometimes create distractions to get away from the connection.
3. While the person is talking, ask yourself, what is it like for him right now?
4. When you identify how the person is feeling, feel it yourself
5. Actions, words, and experiences
1. “Connecting is more than simple action and behavior. It cannot be summarized on a concrete to-do list … “
2. Connecting requires doing, saying, and experiencing.
6. Follow the Leader
1. Connection is a two-way street
2. (Don’t tell them how to feel)
7. A process more than an event
8. How long is enough
9. The context
10. The time apart
12. Taking the Next Steps
1. Demystify connection in your mind.
2. Start with people who have the ability to connect
3. Connection first, feelings second
4. Restrain the urge to advise
5. Trust God as the connector
13. (The end of Chapter 3)
-
This book has an abbreviated list of the Stages of Change
1. Precontemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Action
4. Maintenance
-
All six stages are as follows.

Six Stages of Change
by University of Rhode Island’s Cancer Prevention Research Center (James O. Prochaska, Pd.D.)

Precontemplation
The How-you-gonna-get-‘em-off-the-couch stage. Many people never move forward from this stage.

Contemplation
You’re waiting for that magic moment. You want to change (stop smoking, lose weight, wear sunscreen, cut back on alcohol use), and you’re thinking seriously about it.

Preparation
You have decided to take action within the next thirty days.

Action
You are practicing the behavior changes you thought about and prepared for.

Maintenance
You continue to work at practicing your new behavior, but it’s not a struggle any more. ... Some people simply remain in this stage.

Termination
Temptation no longer rears its head. No way will you ever smoke again. Fried food, forget it. Buckle up without thinking about it. You’re a regular in the Monday and Thursday aerobics class. This is the final step in true behavior change.

Chapter 6: Letting Go: Accepting What Is
(This reminds me of the excellent book by Sherrie Mills Johnson: [b:Count it All Joy|24485728|Count it All Joy|Sherrie Mills Johnson|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1424667356l/24485728._SX50_.jpg|44080270])
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1. Say good-bye to your demand
1. For the other person to change
2. For perfect justice and fairness
3. For one specific person to meet your needs
4. For someone to stay in a relationship who wants to leave it.
(Just reading this headline one could easily get it wrong about how devastating divorce is.)

Chapter 7: Romancing: The Attraction Factor
1. Creating Romance
1. Do the undone aspects of love in your relationship
2. Love and be loved by others besides yourselves
3. Require that both of you have choices and freedom
1. “love, by definition, requires two people—the lover and the “lovee.” The more evident it is that you are two separate people, the more the romance can grow.”
4. Insist on connection before and during romance and sex
5. …

Contents
Part 1: What Is Love?
1. Learning to Love
2. The Nature of Love
Part 2: The Key Aspects of Love
3. Connecting: Bridging the Gap
4. Truth-Telling: Solving Problems
5. Healing: Restoring the Broken
6. Letting Go: Accepting What Is
7. Romancing: The Attraction Factor
Part 3: Becoming a Loving Person
8. Putting it All Together
A Final Thought


There are a lot of anecdotes in here. We learn through stories, so that is fine.… (meer)