John Sims TownsendBesprekingen

A few notes from the book. Mostly I highlighted, and made notes in Kindle.

Chapter 4: The Return of Desire
Banish Victimhood
1. Global helplessness
2. A focus on the bad other
3. The perception of moral superiority

Chapter 8: You Grieve and Let It Go
Chapter 8 describes two categories of love-gone-bad songs. Both types “provide a necessary part of the picture,” but something is missing; “You must grieve what was.”

Grief: What It Is and What It Does for You
“Grief is letting go of what you cannot keep.”

Six Components for Grieving a Lost Relationship (there is a section for each of these.)
1. Acknowledge the attachment
2. Accept that you can’t control the loss
3. Name what you valued
1. Because you must say good-bye to the entire person, not simply the negative parts of the person.
4. Surround yourself with people who are comforting
1. How do you know if someone has the capacity to comfort? By the degree to which they remain present with you when you grieve.
5. Allow the sadness
6. Give yourself the gift of time

Ecclesiastes 7:3 Frustration is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart. (NIV)

Ecclesiastes 7:3 Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. (KJV)

This book wasn’t as meaningful to me as I expected it to be. I liked their quotations with the Bible. Sometimes I didn’t quite see how the quotation supported what they were saying. Somehow this book just didn’t click with me. It’s a very popular book, so it might be great for someone else. Come to think of it, I’m not into self-help books these days.

Chapters 1-4 set the background on problems in human development of boundaries.

Chapter 5: Ten Laws of Boundaries
1. The law of sowing and reaping
2. The law of responsibility
3. The law of power: (What power do we have)
4. The law of respect
5. The law of motivation (Love or fear or guilt)
6. The law of evaluation (Does it hurt or harm - they are different)
7. The law of proactivity
8. The law of envy
9. The law of activity (Passivity never pays off)
10. The law of Exposure (Boundaries need to be made visible to others & communicated)

Part 1
1. A Day in a Boundaryless Life
2. What Does a Boundary Look Like
3. Boundary Problems
4. How Boundaries are Developed
5. 5. Ten Laws of Boundaries
6. Common Boundary Myths
Part 2: Boundary Conflicts
Part 3: Developing Healthy Boundaries

Benefits
Better relationships
The experience of love
The capacity for intimacy
Freedom
Joy and happiness
Success in goals and dreams
Personal growth and healing
Leadership abilities
Good effects on others
Quality of life
Spiritual growth

“Each of these aspects helps in becoming a fully loving person:
• Connecting—making an emotional bond
• Truth-Telling—honesty that serves the other person
• Healing—repairing brokenness • Letting Go—giving up what should be surrendered
• Romancing—the unique love of being a couple.”


The Essentials of Receiving Connection (In Chapter 3)
1. Needing
1. Grace
2. Acceptance
3. Empathy - one of our most basic needs
4. Validation
5. Understanding
2. Asking
3. Taking it in “YOU MUST RECEIVE THE CONNECTION IN ORDER TO MAKE THE TRANSFER COMPLETE.”
1. Wholeheartedness - you cannot be ambivalent about it.
2. Using
4. The Disconnected State: “ Disconnection is the inability to feel and experience the warmth of connection over time.”
1. “The process by which we take in and use the attachment we have received in becoming a loved person is called internalization.”
5. God and Being Connected
1. The suspense movie The Butterfly Effect was mentioned.
6. Connection Before Change
7. The Role of Pain
8. The Abilities of a Connecting Person
9. Take the Initiative
1. Move fro the everyday to the emotional
10. Suspend Your Point of View
1. (This reminds me of Covey’s ‘Seek first to understand.’)
2. An example of getting lost in a movie - of empathizing with the protagonist.
11. Elements of the Connection Time
1. Deicide that for now, it’s not about you; it’s about them
2. Focus, focus, focus
1. Remember that our minds sometimes create distractions to get away from the connection.
3. While the person is talking, ask yourself, what is it like for him right now?
4. When you identify how the person is feeling, feel it yourself
5. Actions, words, and experiences
1. “Connecting is more than simple action and behavior. It cannot be summarized on a concrete to-do list … “
2. Connecting requires doing, saying, and experiencing.
6. Follow the Leader
1. Connection is a two-way street
2. (Don’t tell them how to feel)
7. A process more than an event
8. How long is enough
9. The context
10. The time apart
12. Taking the Next Steps
1. Demystify connection in your mind.
2. Start with people who have the ability to connect
3. Connection first, feelings second
4. Restrain the urge to advise
5. Trust God as the connector
13. (The end of Chapter 3)
-
This book has an abbreviated list of the Stages of Change
1. Precontemplation
2. Contemplation
3. Action
4. Maintenance
-
All six stages are as follows.

Six Stages of Change
by University of Rhode Island’s Cancer Prevention Research Center (James O. Prochaska, Pd.D.)

Precontemplation
The How-you-gonna-get-‘em-off-the-couch stage. Many people never move forward from this stage.

Contemplation
You’re waiting for that magic moment. You want to change (stop smoking, lose weight, wear sunscreen, cut back on alcohol use), and you’re thinking seriously about it.

Preparation
You have decided to take action within the next thirty days.

Action
You are practicing the behavior changes you thought about and prepared for.

Maintenance
You continue to work at practicing your new behavior, but it’s not a struggle any more. ... Some people simply remain in this stage.

Termination
Temptation no longer rears its head. No way will you ever smoke again. Fried food, forget it. Buckle up without thinking about it. You’re a regular in the Monday and Thursday aerobics class. This is the final step in true behavior change.

Chapter 6: Letting Go: Accepting What Is
(This reminds me of the excellent book by Sherrie Mills Johnson: [b:Count it All Joy|24485728|Count it All Joy|Sherrie Mills Johnson|https://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1424667356l/24485728._SX50_.jpg|44080270])
- Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
1. Say good-bye to your demand
1. For the other person to change
2. For perfect justice and fairness
3. For one specific person to meet your needs
4. For someone to stay in a relationship who wants to leave it.
(Just reading this headline one could easily get it wrong about how devastating divorce is.)

Chapter 7: Romancing: The Attraction Factor
1. Creating Romance
1. Do the undone aspects of love in your relationship
2. Love and be loved by others besides yourselves
3. Require that both of you have choices and freedom
1. “love, by definition, requires two people—the lover and the “lovee.” The more evident it is that you are two separate people, the more the romance can grow.”
4. Insist on connection before and during romance and sex
5. …

Contents
Part 1: What Is Love?
1. Learning to Love
2. The Nature of Love
Part 2: The Key Aspects of Love
3. Connecting: Bridging the Gap
4. Truth-Telling: Solving Problems
5. Healing: Restoring the Broken
6. Letting Go: Accepting What Is
7. Romancing: The Attraction Factor
Part 3: Becoming a Loving Person
8. Putting it All Together
A Final Thought


There are a lot of anecdotes in here. We learn through stories, so that is fine.

3.5 stars, I think. Still thinking...

Want to Paint a Happy Future for Your Children? Start Drawing the Line Today.

Boundaries with Kids will help you:
- Recognize the boundary issues underlying child behavior problems.
- Set boundaries and establish consequences with your kids.
- Get out of the “nagging” trap.
- Stop controlling your kids—and instead help them develop self-control.
- Apply the ten laws of boundaries to parenting.
- Take six practical steps for implementing boundaries with your kids.

One of the most loving things you can do for your children is set firm boundaries with them.

Boundaries with Kids will help you raise your kids to take responsibility for their own actions, attitudes, and emotions. In eight sessions, Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend help you bring order to problematic circumstances and cultivate healthier ways of relating with your kids.

Trauma people do not have a tendency to establish boundaries due to the cost of setting boundaries. The authors have used the psychological trauma genre and overlayed it with biblical originality so as to reaffirm that all trauma-based psychology was original to the Bible.

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Boundaries affect all areas of our lives: Physical, Mental, Emotional & Spiritual. How to set healthy boundaries with our parents, spouses, children, friends and co-workers and even ourselves. Easy to read, looks like a good book.

Safe People is great book for people that tend to give more than they receive and as a result find themselves repeating the same destructive patterns in relationships.

This falls under the category of Relationships. Dr. John Townsend is one of the co-authors of Boundaries. This book details how to re-enter relationships with people who broken trust. He talks about how to know when you're ready, when they're ready, and how to actually move into relationship with them again. This is an excellent read! Highly recommend.

I recommend it to everyone.

Excellent guide on what to do when boundaries have been set in place to protect yourself from toxic people. How to understand your limits and readiness for reopening relational communication for healing and restoration and when to walk away.

Good for immature people, or young people new to dating. The chapter on blame is awesome and I think even mature adults in happy relationships will find it profound.

“You must learn how to say no to your friends” told me my beloved aunt a decade ago and gosh it was never easy:D

As a non-believer, I was disappointed when starting reading and honestly I wouldn’t have bought the book in the first place if I had noticed it had been about setting boundaries based on biblical ideology.

That said, the book became more intriguing as I progressed. What’s more, I’m utterly satisfied with its useful information and interestingly, now I wish I had read it earlier. Although it might not give one the ultimate remedy to set boundaries vividly, it clarifies the variety of boundary-difficulty scenarios one might be stuck in considering relationships, family and occupation.

I highly suggest reading it for those who cannot easily say no.

The author elaborates on the topic of boundaries from a Christian viewpoint. Often Christians feel that they must take on every request made of them. This book emphasizes that that is not a Christian viewpoint. You must take care of yourself in order to take care of others.

Several quotes that I saved will give the flavor of the book.

“Finding your life’s work involves taking risks. First you must firmly establish your identity, separating yourself from those you are attached to and following your desires. You must take ownership of how you feel, how you think, and what you want. You must access your talents and limitations. And then you must step out as God leads you. “ p 224

“Do not make an idol out of willpower.” P 225

“Although God wants us to respect his boundaries, he also says ‘Come let us reason together’ ”. Isa 1:18 p 240

And there are some statements that I have a harder time agreeing with:
“Some people will find out that the holy, just God of the OT isn’t so bad or scary. He just has very clear boundaries.” P 280

I will never forget how, when first challenged to read the Bible through when I was in 3rd or 4th grade, I was appalled, almost traumatized, to read how the OT God told the Israelites to not only kill the mothers but rip the babies from their wombs.

Anyway, whether I agreed with everything or not, it was an interesting read.½

This is a very solid book for healthy, mature living. The framework of boundaries holds up well and I see this now as a resource or tool to use in the future. A bit dry in parts, overdone in others - but the truths herein are profound and the principles and strategies are practical. Reading this book didn’t “change my life” but knowing (and applying successfully) its message certainly will.

有人老是在跟你過不去嗎？　　

無可否認的，無論我們怎麼努力，沒有一個人可以避免生活中的麻煩人物。有些人不論何時何地，就是會使我們的生活更困擾，製造衝突並帶來壓力。這些麻煩人物有時甚至不知道他自己已經為別人帶來無比的困擾，包括你我在內。　　

暢銷書作家兼著名的人際關係專家約翰.湯森德博士能幫助你更加了解麻煩人物，為什麼老是那樣討人厭？同時你卻那麼輕易地任麻煩人物擺佈。湯森德博士要你直接負起責任，停止對麻煩人物一點都起不了作用的應付方法。接著湯森德博士提供一套嶄新的處理策略，包括對麻煩人物所應採取更健康的態度、自我約束以及口語的演練等原則，這些原則可以協助你居於更有利的位置處理這些「麻煩製造者」。　　
你無法避免生活中那些製造困擾的麻煩人物，但是當有效而深入地了解他們後，你會發現你逐漸變為上帝創造你時要你扮演的角色。

This is going to be a terrible review.

I liked the book, as you can tell from the rating.
However, the one star missing is for a lack of evidence (other than the apparent scriptural and experience). There are few studies, few reviewed experiments/papers and that, for a psychological/non-fiction book isn't great.

But the truth is that I liked it. It felt right. And that is not an educated reason. But it really does feel right and logical. But, also true, is that work boundaries are not quite as easily managed as others. But boundaries are essential and I've always loved them. :) So naturally I like this book. Plus, it was highly recommended by another book I really liked.

The holidays can be filled with a lot of hustle and bustle. You can have a healthy season by learning to set boundaries in your life to help you stress less. This New York Times bestseller is expanded and updated.

In addition to this, I went through Professor Christoph Kreitz notes on this. It's close to 300 page.

Professor Christoph Kreitz's Notes

I think, the notes are thorough, and gives the depth of boundaries.

Key Concepts:

-Own Responsibility for yourself, thoughts, feelings, values
-Take good care of yourself, so that you can take care of others
-Define: Who you are, Who you are not, What you like, dislike
-Out of Pure Heart: Love & Communicate to the other person
-Let people be themselves, we can’t control other’s will

Symptoms of Ignored boundaries:

-Enmeshment (feeling not clear, who you are in the relationship)
-Disassociation (out of touch with feeling, when violated boundaries)
-Detachment
-Victimhood
-Chip on Shoulder (carrying past hurt)
-Invisibility
-Smothering
-Lack of Privacy


My Problem with this:

I am not sure if this is for all cultures. If you are under Evangelical Culture, I respectfully ask you to expand your understanding of other cultures - Why? So, you don't mislead people into abyss.

People from Japan, China, Israel, Europe, Asia, India and South America might not even have these concepts in their culture.

Eg: In India, You will be asked by anyone:

1) How much money you make?
2) What does your family do?
3) People will reveal lot about themselves to you

Mr.Cloud, does that mean they don't have boundaries? I digress, probably, it looks differently.
It's part of the culture.

This is clearly written to Anglo-Saxons.

I would change the title to, "Boundaries for Anglo-Saxons."

Henry Cloud has a doctorate. Unfortunately, he doesn’t show understanding of anthropology (honor-shame, fear/power, guilt/law dynamics) Please read Jackson Wu's work. On doing so, one can integrate the missing gaps, and not mislead people.

I implore readers of this work and Dr.Cloud to raise their understanding.

He could write a better book with such a background.

I'd recommend this book regardless to everyone

Deus Vult,
Gottfried.